why?

I was on the freeway today and as I came up over the canyon that divides Simi Valley from LA I looked out and saw the distant mountains and countless highways it takes to reach them. I wanted to badly to just keep on driving, but the little gas I had would have only taken me fifty miles away and then I wouldn’t have had any money to fill it up again, plus I would have been running away from all the things I had to do, that mainly being my summer school work. I hate my summer school class, which is rather sad because the topic is very interesting and I think I would really enjoy it if it wasn’t summer and I wasn’t tired of school and I wasn’t painfully lonely.

This made me think: what would happen if I dropped my summer class? One option if I dropped it I would have to take another class this fall, which is already looking like it is going to be a hard semester. Another option would be to just stay another semester, which would be the expensive option. The last option would be to drop out of school all together, which is a pretty sucky option because it negates all the hard work I have done these past four years and all the money I have spent and loans I have to pay back.

This made me think about where I was four years ago before I started college. I was content. I had a full time job, which could have been my career, and a place to live where I was on my own and able to save money. I had friends and encouragement and support. I was far from my family but close enough that I was able to see them at least once a month. I liked my life. I knew what I was doing and didn’t have to reach too far out of my comfort zone. I was set. I wonder what my life would be like if God hadn’t made me unsettled with my life. I probably would still be tired a lot, but I would have more time to rest and relax, and those times to rest would actually be rest not time to catch up on homework. I probably wouldn’t be an artist, which would be sad but is not essential for life. I wouldn’t have thousands of dollars in debt from a private college, which would be a huge burden off my shoulders. I wouldn’t have traveled the world, which has been the best times in my life but have also been stressful and worsen my depression. That being said, I might not have the depression I have now, or at least it wouldn’t be so all consuming. I would have seen my nephew be born, I would have closer relationships to my friends here and too my family, I might even have a boyfriend that I can’t have now because I am never in one place long enough and I hate myself. Would I still hate myself if I had stayed in California?

I know that I will never know what could have been, but I wonder if I could get back to the contentment I had before. If I can’t, then am I damned to live this painful, unhappy, lonely life?

Loneliness

Why does being alone in a crowd feel so much more lonely then being by yourself? Is it because you feel like your friends should want to cheer you up if you are in a bad mood? because if you saw one of your friends sad then you-your self- would want to make that friend feel loved? do I expect that same treatment?

Yes, I do.

First Interlacing Project

first step: sketch it on

second: put in the background

third: paint in the different knots

fourth: sharpen the edges

fifth: tint it all

sixth: add dimension (with oil paint)

Important Notice to all my blogging buddies

I'm sorry, I have decided to stop posting on this blog. For the past few weeks I have been posting the same posts on each of my blogs and it has become tirsome and abnoxious. Vox is much easier and more fun, so I am going to stick to that one. I encourage all of you to check it out. Set up a vox account for youself and see how much simpler it is to use. If you would like to keep a link to me on your blog you can simply change it to my new on (cameo.vox.com).

Gettysburg

While we were in Maryland we decided to make a little tourist trip to Gettysburg. It was a beautiful clear day but the wind was freezing, so
we didn't get out of the car much. We did go out and see the cemetery where Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg address.

And then we climbed Big Round Top. The view was blocked by all the trees, but it was interesting to climb up there and think of the soldiers that fought there. Little Round Top had a better view, but we were too cold from Big round Top to stop.

For lunch we stopped for sushi and I was happy (mmmm....sushi...)

Adventure to Maryland

This weekend I went with my friend Amy to visit her family in Maryland. It was a six hour drive, but it didn't seem that long because we laughed and talked the whole way. We had lots of fun, but I must say Pennsylvania highways are weird.

Our journey started off with us getting into Amy's car and finding here water bottle was frozen solid from just being in the car.

We filled up the tank just before we crossed over from New York to Pennsylvania. It was snowing a lot there but it didn't last long and we had a clear drive the rest of the way.
For dinner we stopped at a pizza place, which was good but we stopped there because we hadn't seen any restaurants for a while and were worried that it was going to our last chance for food for a while. But, of course, right after we left the pizza place we hit restaurant row. We could have waited but when hunger calls, pizza answers.

Early Birthday Present

Yesterday I was received four packages, the lady in the post office thinks I'm crazy. The first one I got in the morning and it was a very heavy, large box with my books and dvds and painting cloths. In the afternoon I received two from Laura and one from snapfish.com. The one from snapfish had a bunch of pictures that I just got printed. The ones from my sister I knew were birthday presents, so I did not want to open them until Tuesday. But I talked to Laura and she wanted me to open the big one so that she could make sure that I liked it. She had made me a beautiful picture board. It fits perfectly on my desk and it totally my colors. The best part was that I got my pictures too, so I was able to fill up my new board right away, though there is still room for more.

Spot Auditions

I auditioned for Spot to day. I'm not sure what Spot is, but they asked for people with weird talents so I decided to audition. I showed them my arm trick. They were mildly grossed out, but they said that they might be able to use it. I'll let you guys know if I get to perform it.

Today at Hougthon

It snowed all day today. It was light just dusted the campus but it was still beautiful. I love the snow, and I know the day will come that I don't love it so much, but today I will enjoy it and how it sparkles when the light hits it. I was very excited in my ceramics class because there is a whole wall that is windows and I got to watch the snow flurries pass through the beautiful trees and I thanked God for making such an exquisite place for me to study and live in.

I also had a lot of fun in my 3D design class today because I got to play with clay some more. I continued work on my sculpture. I decided to use an old drawing of a flower as inspiration for my relief sculpture. Today was just the first day of work on it and that's why it looks funny, but Thursday I will finish the mold and then when it is dry we'll pour plaster into it and then I will be able to put the details of the flower straight into the plaster. I'm very excited about it and I hope it turns out the way I want it to.

slab to mold

inspiration to creation

Weather Update

Last night it got very cold. Fortunately I did not have to feel the freezing temperatures because my dorm is nicely heated, but the wet shrubbery outside did feel the bitter cold. The encased branches on all the bushes and trees were so beautiful this morning I had to get my camera out to take some pictures. But the pretty ice was also destructive, a branch from one of the trees was not able to stay up under the extra weight of the ice.

News from Houghton

News From Houghton College
I have arrived! Sunday night I arrived at a very wet, but not very cold, Houghton. All my flights went smooth, as did the drive from Buffalo to Houghton. I was happy to find my dorm room is on the first floor of the old side of Gillette (East) Hall.

My roommate, Sarah, was already there when I arrived. She had already settled in and had left me the bottom bunk, which I was very thankful for. I was surprised at how much room we have in our small dorm room. God has truly blessed me with a great roommate. We get along great and have become quick friends. However, she is they only friend that I have made here so far. It is difficult to make new friends because everyone has been here for awhile and have already formed their different groups.

New York Weather
The weather here at Houghton isn’t too different from winter in Idyllwild, which has helped my transition here. This week the weather has fluctuated a lot. I arrived on Sunday with lots of rain but not very cold temperatures. On Monday there was rain in the morning and later on it started to snow. The snow would come in flurries that wouldn’t last for long and then the sun would come out again. This pattern kept on all day until the sun went down and the snow kept coming on at a steady rate. Tuesday morning we woke up to about 6 inches of snow covering everything and the snow was still coming and continued to come all day long. Wednesday was still cold but no more snow, and then Thursday and Friday warmed up and the snow started to melt away. Today there has been a constant misting that has helped that last of the snow to disappear, which has left many snowboarders very sad as they just opened the lefts here on campus earlier this week and they had to be closed for the weekend. I am enjoying the cool temperatures and the cloudy skies, but we’ll see how long that enjoyment will last.

My Classes
I am taking five classes this semester, which is 15 units. I have four art classes and one Bible which makes me very happy since this is what the rest of my semesters will look like while I am here at Houghton. My Bible Literature class looks like it is going to be a great class in which we will learn how we should read the Bible so as to get the most out of what we are reading. Professor Paige is my teacher for this class and seems to be very knowledgeable and passionate about the subject, he also always opens the class with a word of prayer which I really enjoy. I am also taking Modern Art History which looks like I will be seeing a lot of the same art as I saw in my first art history class because the period we will be covering, Rococo to World War II, was part of my Renaissance to Surrealism class at MSJC. All three of my studio art classes look like they are going to be messy but fun. In my book and papermaking class we will be learning different ways to make paper and then we will be making books as well. We haven’t started anything yet, but my teacher said that the process of making paper has a lot of pounding involved, which will help to get out whatever frustrations I might have. My two Tuesday classes both involve clay and are going to be particularly messy, but the two classes I am looking forward to the most. I have the same teacher for both my ceramics class and my 3D design class, but she is only here for this semester because she is filling in for the regular teacher who is on a sabbatical right now. We have already started to make things in noth of these classes, which has been fun. In my 3D design class we made a 12” square slab of clay that is 3” thick (see picture below). This is the first step to what will end up being a relief sculpture. In my ceramics class we made four pinch pots. Mine aren’t very pretty but it was still fun to be able to create something with my own hands (see picture below). Playing in the clay all day reminded of playing in the mud with Laura when we were little.

Prayer Requests
The thing I would ask the most prayer for is finding good friendships. Sometimes Sarah and I can’t eat a meal together and when that happens it means that I eat by myself and that is getting to be rather depressing. I would like it if you prayed for my boldness, which I have been prying for but I still seem to be too scared to talk to new people or even to talk to people I’ve met but not really got to know. This transition has been difficult only because of missing my friends and not having any here to fall back on. Getting used to the new classes and weather is not hard at all, but getting used to the people is hard, so please pray for my social life.

I love you and miss each of you very much. I will be home soon, because the dorms will be closed during our February break and it just so happens that my good friend Cara is getting married that weekend. So if you would like to see me I will be home February 23rd until March 4th, let me know if there is a time you’d like to plan to see me.

breakfast

This morning for breakfast we had flapsticks and I felt like I was home (at camp).

today was a good day

I was actively social in my two classes. I met new people and it was great. In my 3D design class I talked with the guy I was sharing a table with. Since we were all working on the same project it made it easier to find things to talk about. It was also nice to be working in an art studio again. What we were doing was forming clay into twelve inch squares that were 3 inches thick. It was messy and took a good deal of elbow grease but fun. Next week we will be making relief sculptures with them. I've never done any kind of sculpture before, so it will be interesting. My ceramics class was later in the day and was even more fun. I got to play with clay again, which reminded me of making mudd pies with Laura out in the backyard. Today we learned how to make pinch pots and we each had to make four. Mine came out a little lobsided with ribs like rollercoasters, but they are bowls none the less. While making our pinch pots I got to talk to a few people, and I especially got to talk to the guy I was sharing a table with. He was very friendly and even envited me to eat dinner with him and his friends. I did get to meet some of them but I didn't end up eating with them because they were waiting in the stir-fry line which took awhile. So I did end up sitting alone again at dinner, but when I was almost done eating a girl did ask me if I wanted to join their table. I didn't because I was pretty much done, but the offer was nice. Another exciting thing happened today, I have made a social plan for Saturday. One of the girls that I met during transfer stuff is going to Walmart on Saturday and she asked me if wanted to join them. So now I get to make some new friends and get necessary supplies at Walmart.

The Amazing Arm Trick

One of the great things about vox is that there is a question of the day. Today was: What's something that you're really proud of, which most people in your life don't know about? So I decided to tell about my amazing arm trick. I wanted to make sure that I could still do it before I put it on my vox, so I did it here in my dorm. My roommate was amazed so I had her take some pictures of me doing it. Now you all can enjoy it. The trick is that I can hold my hands behind my back and pull them over my head and keep them clasped the entire time. It is very exciting to see in person, but hopefully you can get the picture by looking at these pictures:

New blog

I have created a new blog on vox. Don't worry, you're not missing any of my posts because I have been putting the same posts on both blogs. But you still might want to check out vox. It's great! My sister Laura and her husband Daniel were the ones to tell me about it. My account is not very ellaborate yet, but theirs are. So if you are interested in seeing what true vox accounts look like then click on their links on my vox. My address there is very short and simple (unlike here), it's: cameo.vox.com. Come and see!

goodbye valley girl...

...hello to the Great Lake accent. I have now started to notice that I have begun talking with longer vole sounds. I think this is largely due to the fact that my roommate has this accent. The "like" has not totally left my vocabulary but the use of it has been decreased.

A Little Piece of Chatsworth Lake

This morning after breakfast I was walking to my dorm and heard a very familiar squawking sound. To the east, just past the veiled sun, was a flock of Canadian geese flying south. I guess these geese were a little late for their migration, but I think they stayed late just for me so that I could have a little piece of home.

More dorm stuff

For dinner tonight Sarah and I went together. Shortly after seating at an empty table we were joined by another student. Later on some of her friends joined as well. It was really nice to have the social interaction. But the more important thing that happened at dinner was that I was able to walk away from the desserts, one in particular looked like pumpkin squares. I was strong and grabbed a banana instead.

After dinner Sarah and I decided to move our room around. Her desk used to be right up against the door so that we were unable to open the door all the way (as you can see in the post titled "Dorm Room"). But now the bed is by the door and the desks are by the window. We both really like the change, but when we moved the bed we found that there was a lot of tape marks and some nails that were left on the wall.

Lonely

Making friends has prooved to be difficult. Yesterday I spent most of my day with a bunch of other transfer students. I did met a lot interesting people. Most of them were very nice but I haven't seen any of them today. Today has been very lonely. I was alone at breakfast because my roommate was still sleeping at 8:00 (she's kinda sick). A good thing is that my roommate and I have become quick friends and we get along great in our room, which is very exciting and encouraging. My first class was at 9:00 and didn't last very long because the teacher is new and today was her first day. The class (3D design) seems like it is going to be fun and challenging. But I am the only transfer student in the class. One boy was nice and gave me a "welcome to Houghton" line but that was the only thing said to me the whole class. Lunch, again, was lonely. My roommate was with her family, who only live an hour and a half drive away. After lunch I was highly imbarrassed to go to my ceramics class to find out I was there at the wrong time. I was confused because tomorrow I have a studio class at 1:15, but today my class is at 3:15. It wasn't too big of a mistake because it was just the teacher and one other student there when I made my embarrassing entrance. After that embarrassment I decided to be more social and go to the coffee place on campus (Java 101) and use my computer there instead of closed up in my room. I'm here now, still feeling lonely, but not so bad because I'm not the only one that is alone. I hope as I get to more classes I'll meet more people and find friends. Perhaps it is a little too soon to say that I'm totally alone.

Dorm Room

My dorm room, it's not as small as I thought it would be.

my desk

my roommate's desk and cool lamp


I have the bottom bunk and Sarah has the top